A.I.B Hereford

[MIKE]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Man U fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Manc
fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why
didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Manc fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Manc
fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Liverpool fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are
you a Liverpool fan?'

'Because my mum is a Liverpool fan, and my dad is a Liverpool fan,
so I'm a Liverpool fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no
reason for you to be a Liverpool fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute
and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Man Utd fan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God,
it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters
and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks
the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to
the Counter and said; 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied; 'Your timing is amazing. We've
just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/
bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive
around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package
is 200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
_________________
18 + 5 = Other clubs dreams.
Carra = Legend
This poster hates the media with a passion.

[MIKE]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip.'

The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault.'
_________________
18 + 5 = Other clubs dreams.
Carra = Legend
This poster hates the media with a passion.

[MIKE]

60 YEARS OF NHS!!
Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:



'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.

She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?



''Do you know which ward she is in?



''Yes, ward P, room 2B



''I'll just put you through to the nurse station.



''Hello, ward P, how can I help?



''I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?



''I'll just check her notes.

I'm pleased to say that MrsTiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite,

her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.



''Oh that's wonderful news. I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!



''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?



''No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.

Nobody tells you f**k all in here...'
_________________
18 + 5 = Other clubs dreams.
Carra = Legend
This poster hates the media with a passion.

[Jed]

A lawyer and a Scouser are sitting next to each other on a long Flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Liverpool folk are so dumb that he could get over on them easy... So the lawyer asks if the Scouser would like to play a fun game.

The Scouser is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the Scouser's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Scouser doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Scouser's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a Hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his Laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scouser and hands him £500. The Scouser pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scouser up again and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Scouser reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep. Don't mess with the Mersey folk!
_________________
My idea was to build Liverpool into a bastion of invincibility. Napoleon had that idea and he conquered the bloody world. And that's what I wanted for Liverpool to be untouchable.

[MIKE]

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS










1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of

them would have seen it.









2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key..."









3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."









4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

any.









5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are

too high."









6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.









7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you

can't, I've cut your arms off".









8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.









9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat

it.









10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.









11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."









12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds

like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."









13. A man takes his dog to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at

him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?

Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"









14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my

backside." "How's that?" "





Don't you start."









16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.









17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for

it.'









19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other

one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"









20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one

off.









21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So

that was nice."









22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several

places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"









23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue

workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb

as digging continues into the night
_________________
18 + 5 = Other clubs dreams.
Carra = Legend
This poster hates the media with a passion.